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Marc Sherman

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!!! Advice from Uncle Vaughan

 
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!!! Advice from Uncle Vaughan
Posted June 28th, 2013 @ 7:23am

My uncle Vaughan, up in Pittsburgh, sent me this point system for when you are handling situations with your wife!

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry! That's just the way the game is played.

Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows (-10)
You throw the bedspread/comforter over rumpled sheets (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
... BUT you return with beer (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer... (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's NOT a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it IS a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie SHE likes (+5)
You take her to a movie YOU hate (+6)
You take her to a movie YOU like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You Say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"L (-5)... Yes, you lose points no matter what!
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4,000)

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